Meditate on These Things

After praying about something recently, I felt redirected to a verse I had memorized years ago:

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! 
Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:4-9 (NKJV)

Healthy Same-Sex Intimacy VS. Relational Idolatry

Female Same-Sex Attraction (podcast from Midday Connection – a Moody Bible Institute production.)

The featured guest discusses the differences between co-dependency and emotional dependency.  Janelle Hallman, author of The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction, suggests that the root of female same-sex attraction is emotional dependency / relational idolatry.  For those having no personal identity, or a confused identity, and a deep longing for emotional connection, according to Hallman, the internal emptiness causes the woman struggling with same-sex attraction to do whatever it takes to be loved.  It’s not about sex, but about the desperate need for relationship and emotional bonding.

In response to the podcast I just listened to, I’m posing some questions:  Is it possible to be a healthy gay Christian?  Are same-sex, intimately close relationships / friendships safe, especially for lesbians?  Or, is there the constant risk of relational idolatry, if supposedly it is the cause of same-sex attraction in the first place?  Either way, what is to be trusted?

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

In 2002 I took guitar lessons for almost a year.  Despite my best efforts, I cannot play a tune.  I suppose practicing more than once a week would have helped.  Best efforts, huh.

On my guitar teacher’s shelf in his studio, he had a jar with the imprint, “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda.”  Every time I complained about my inability to get “it” or my lack of desire to practice every day, he would point to that jar and remind me to put those thoughts in there.  Trying to encourage me, he told me about the need to live in present reality, and to move from this point forward, instead of living with past regrets and “what ifs.”

Sometimes I ruminate over past regrets and what ifs.  What if I faced my fears and moved to San Diego when I had the chance in 1995?  What if I stayed with Dwayne instead of breaking up with him in 1997?  What if I never acted on my same-sex attractions after I graduated from Bible College? What if I never moved to Philadelphia?  What if I never began blogging in 2005?  What if I never met the people I know now?  What if I never moved to Chicago?

Six Random Things

Hmm.. Is this like a chain letter?  Some blogger tagged me yesterday.  Therefore, I guess I’ll play the game. 

The rules of the “6 Random Things About Me Meme”:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

So… Here’s my answers:

1. My favorite comfort food is thick-cut, kettle-cooked potato chips and cottage cheese (eaten together, cottage cheese makes a yummy dip!)
2. I got four parking tickets in the past 12 months.  (Two for expired tags and two for parking on street-cleaning day.)
3. I’m plotting to get either a new tattoo or a body piercing before Christmas.
4. I secretly wish I could shave the hair off my head – at least once in my lifetime.
5. I quit smoking, again.  Last cigarette was puffed on Saturday, October 18.
6. My mom will not be happy with #3!  She didn’t know anything about #5.  But, as a 34-year-old, I don’t care.

Here’s the six three bloggers I’m tagging:  Nonsequitur, titration, and Disputed Mutability.

A Life Worth Living

What happens when a “born again Christian,” called to be a minister, Assemblies of God preacher’s kid turns out to be gay?

Jesus said, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37-38 NIV). 

On my father’s side of the family, I’m the youngest of 19 grandchildren.  As a fourth-generation Christian associating with the Assemblies of God, I have a spiritual heritage of missionaries and ministers.

The first rebel of the family was my great grandmother.  While her father was a true atheist, Anna attended religious tent meetings with him in order to mock and ridicule Christians.  During one meeting, at the age of 9, she became a “born again Christian.”  Intolerant of the young girl’s new life, her father kicked his 9-year-old daughter out of the house and never permitted her to return.  Anna’s Jesus meant more to her than family.

Years later, she became a missionary to East Africa.  While on the mission field, her husband (my great grandfather) died.  With little resources available, she literally built her husband’s casket and dug the grave.  At the time of her mission work, the Assemblies of God did not support women missionaries.  Determined not to leave her mission, she chose to stay without financial support.  As a widow with three young children, my great grandmother chose to follow God in spite of impossible circumstances.

Vaguely I remember meeting her while I was under the age of five.  Yet, my great grandmother’s life continues to influence mine.  Her legacy inspires me to be true to self at all costs; and to follow God regardless the path.  One woman’s decision to know and follow God has affected several generations.  Her eldest son became the youngest Assemblies of God missionary.  While preparing to serve the mission field in South Africa, my grandmother who was 11 years his senior, also began preparations.  She was a college professor of music.  Unbeknown to both of them, their missionary applications crossed paths on a clerk’s desk.  Two people unaware of the other became connected because of God’s call on their lives.  Together they served over 35 years on the mission field.